Cumberland Clark - 'England's Worst Poet!'

Cumberland Clark (1862-1941), the ‘Bard of Bournemouth’, is reckoned by many to be England’s worst poet.

‘The Bournemouth air is toney
It bucks you up, and fills you out, if
Thin as macaroni.’

‘To learn about the Milk Supply, I nosed about with stealth.
Reports I found, were published by the Officer of Health.
The cowsheds and the dairies are inspected, you may read
And authorities assert that they are very fine indeed.’

‘That beautiful creature called Kate

I met near Kensington Gate.
She’d a costume like Eve’s
Minus stockings and sleeves
But otherwise quite up to date.’

‘Let me say a few words on the Square
From which you can get anywhere.
A well-designed centre, there isn’t a doubt
With features that fascinate all round about.
The sea trips from Bournemouth are many
Don’t say you haven’t tried any.
They’re cheap and enjoyable, when you’re in fettle
And doubtless they put a man on his mettle.’

‘The Canford Cliffs Hotel will do you very well

I’ve met girls when I’ve stayed there,

And in love I always fell.

At the Branksome Tower a minx

Once took me on the links.

She played with me, and holed in three,

And let me in for drinks.’

‘It’s built in various sections,

Sea views in two directions.

As for social meeting.

For drinking or for eating.

Tea rooms and beauteous balconies

Beset with flowers and shrub.

Where roughly fifteen hundred people

All can take their “grub”.’

(An Ode to Bournemouth Pavilion)

‘Let the bombs bounce round about us
And shells come whizzing by.
Down in our Air Raid shelter
We’ll be cosy, you and I.’

Sadly, this last poem was written just before Cumberland Clark and his housekeeper were killed in an air raid on Bournemouth on 10th April 1941. Multi-talented Cumberland Clark, the magnificently awful ‘Bard of Bournemouth’ also wrote in 1924 the words to the smash-hit song, Ogo Pogo!

(Illustration: Cumberland Clark)

Comments

Panda Pops

Panda Blue Rasperry Ade, Strawberry Jelly & Ice Cream and Casper Ghostly Limeade were all unique soft drink flavours produced by the Panda Pops brand owned by Badger Beers. Panda Pops were often sold in small bottles of fizzy drink that were as sweet and sticky as it was as possible for them to be. Other popular Panda Pop flavours were Cherry Ade and Bright Green Cola. Even more singular blends could be concocted by mixing two or more flavours in a Panda Pops mixing bowl. Panda Cola achieved a sort of cult status and there is even a song, ‘ Warm Panda Cola’ . While among Panda aficionados there was even the spoof blend of Princess Diana Memorial flavour! The Blandford drink competed remarkably well against American giants Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola. Panda Pops date back to the 1960s when the Blandford brewer dropped the name of Sunparlor for its soft drink brands. Sunparlor had also been the name of a winning race horse owned by a member of the Woodhouse family. Cream soda was...

Holton Heath's Tragic Explosion

Ten were killed and 23 were injured according to newspaper reports at the time. This made it one of Dorset’s worst ever industrial accidents. Holton Heath employees were blown into unrecognisable fragments necessitating a roll call of the factory’s entire staff before the identities of those killed were identified. Eleven men were originally believed to have been killed but when a roll call was held one turned up. A crimson red plume of acid vapour had towered into the sky resembling the shuddering eruption of a volcano. It was caused by the bursting of a sulphuric acid tank. Close by low buildings vanished and the shock affected houses for 20 miles with roof slates dislodged, ornaments knocked down and windows broken. The sound of the explosion could be heard at Shillingstone some 18 miles away. Closer to the factory, a hoe was wrenched from the hands of a gardener who was flung against a tree. One fortunate employee, Charles Rogers owed his life to having to leave, just before the ...

True Lovers Knot - a Tragic Tale

True Lovers Knot public house describes itself as a traditional inn set in a picturesque Dorset valley in Tarrant Keynston. Yet, this historical hostelry is said to have gained its name from a particularly tragic tale and still to be haunted by a distressed former publican. This publican’s son met and fell in love with the daughter of the local squire. Because the young lad was not from the gentry they decided to keep their relationship secret from her father. Unfortunately, a stable hand saw the two young lovers together and told her father. Set firmly against this friendship the squire made plans to send his daughter away from the district. Not able to face up to life without her boyfriend, the young girl decided to commit suicide and hanged herself from a tree in the village. So upset was the publican’s son of hearing of his girlfriend’s death he too hanged himself from the same tree. The Tarrant Keynston publican had, himself lost his wife at child birth and now losing his s...

The Blandford Express

Search This Blog